


Two Heads Really Make A Man Wonder

by goatsongs



Category: Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
Genre: Arthur's confused boner, Fade to Black, M/M, i think that tag is warranted, this is just Zaphod and Arthur insulting each other, trillian and ford are probably getting manicures and gossiping together right now
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 22:08:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29160921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goatsongs/pseuds/goatsongs
Summary: Zaphod and Arthur had a bit of a thing going on.
Relationships: Zaphod Beeblebrox/Arthur Dent
Kudos: 3





	Two Heads Really Make A Man Wonder

“Zaphod.”

Arthur got up from the lounge couch he had been uncomfortably sitting on, which was a very white couch and who also wished that it weren't so white. It was an extremely precarious colour to be, especially when it came to couches. Nonetheless, Arthur had fortunately left it spotless, and it sighed in relief. 

“Zaphod.” Arthur said more insistently, walking over to the other white couch, which was imperceptibly shivering with fear, where Zaphod Beeblebrox was lounging, thoroughly ignoring Arthur and being completely lost in his own thoughts.   
  
“Zaphod!” Arthur raised his voice, but enough to sound terribly rude.    
  
“Ugh! What is it?” One of Zaphod’s heads turned toward him, exasperated, while the other still seemed lost in thought.    
  
“Stop ignoring me, for starters.”    
  
“Oh, Boo-hoo, poor you.”    
  
“You’re very rude, Zaphod.” Arthur folded his arms. He felt a little powerful, looming over Zaphod like that. Usually, when standing, Ford, Zaphod and Trillian surpassed him in height and his neck ended up hurting quite a bit, what with having to look up and snap left and right anytime someone said something shocking. Which was rather too often for Arthur’s taste.    
  
“And you’re very  _ bwargh _ , Earthman.” Zaphod had made a noise that Arthur could not tell the meaning of. All he knew was that it expressed obscene disgust. He grumbled, privately believing that nothing about him warranted that kind of reaction.    
  
Instead he growled, “Arthur.”    
  
“Sorry, what?” Zaphod was entirely unfazed by the attempt at aggression. That only made Arthur angrier.    
  
“My  _ name _ is Arthur. I don’t bloody well call you Two Headed Monster from– from Beeblebroxland!”   
  
“Well, I don’t  _ bloody–”  _ he copied, “call you One Headed Freak from the exploded planet that has dull parties!” Both heads were looking at him now, and Arthur felt the intensity of those four eyes on him.    
  
“And besides, I come from Betelgeuse, you idiot.”    
  
“Says the man who has two brains and still can’t manage to use half!” Arthur shouted.    
  
Silence fell over the room. Even the couches seemed to hold their breath in shock. When Zaphod didn’t immediately respond with something equally nasty, Arthur realised he had gone a little too far. Zaphod pushed himself up. His right face got close to Arthur’s.    
  
“Don’t talk about my brains like that again. I will throw you off my ship. Ya’ got it?”   
  
“Yes,” Arthur said, proud that his voice was steady. Then, “sir,” slipped out. He cursed himself. He suddenly had the overwhelming urge to go back on Earth so he could lie in the mud and bury himself beneath it, and never think about it again. Zaphod smiled widely.    
  
“At least we have this dynamic settled.” And he dropped back down onto the couch. It groaned in pain.    
  
Arthur suddenly remembered why he had stood up in the first place. He hadn’t even realised how quickly he had gotten distracted.   
  
“Would you… uh, would you like some tea?”   
  
“No. I want nothing from you or your tea.” One of Zaphod’s heads said. The other remained pointedly silent.    
  
“What about you?” Arthur asked it.   
  
Zaphod remained silent for a moment.    
  
“Yes, why not. After all, you rather seem to enjoy the role of being my servant.” His other head said sultrily.    
  
Arthur balked, his face certainly not going entirely red.    
  
“Excuse me?”   
  
Zaphod appraised him up and down. Arthur realised he did that a lot. He swallowed.   
  
“Go. You’re annoying me.”   
  
Arthur very much wanted to argue, but what he wanted to do more was flee. He found himself leaning against the Nutri-Matic, tasting every single drink in the Galaxy simultaneously and breathing through the thoughts that were now populating his mind. He had wondered extensively, as one does, what sex would look like between Trillian and Zaphod Beeblebrox, when they had met for the second time and his head had become two and his arms had become three. It had never occurred to him that he could easily find out himself.    
  
The Nutri-Matic provided him with his plastic cup filled with almost-but-not-quite tea, and he decided to walk back and meet his destiny.    
  
Nothing worth telling happened that night or day, or indeed undefined moment in time on the Heart of Gold. Nothing of note except for a man from Earth finding out exactly what a man from Betelgeuse was capable of making him do.    
  
It’s worth saying, however, that although they remained white, the couches did not have much fun.    


**Author's Note:**

> finished volume one and zaphod calling arthur baby got me all soft, so obviously i wrote a fic where they're horrid to each other. hope u enjoyed :3
> 
> if you have requests for one shots or want to tell me anything [send me an ask on tumblr](https://goatboysleeping.tumblr.com/ask)
> 
> comments and kudos are v appreciated, thank you for reading!


End file.
